Your Bespoke Psychopath

I should go to sleep.  I’m supposed to be on a strict sleep schedule.  But I don’t want to go to sleep.  I’m afraid that I’ll have nightmares.  I don’t have them much anymore, but when I do, they’re vivid.  And I can’t tell if they’re real or not.  I don’t know if you’ve ever had one of those, but they’re really scary.  For me, I watch a car crash over and over again.  The way it happens varies, but it always ends the same.  And I watch helpless.  I guess…I don’t know really.  Certain things happened in my life I’m never going to get over.  And they follow me even when I’m asleep.

It sucks.

I haven’t actually written anything lately.  Mainly because I’ve had nothing happen worth writing about.

I leave for college on Sunday, and I definitely have mixed feelings about leaving.  I love my friends, but I’ve been fighting with my parents too much.

I need to pack.

But I have no boxes.

It’s my last week of summer.  And I’m gonna try to spend it with my best friends and my boyfriend.

I’m going to school Tuesday to say goodbye to my old teachers.  The ones who I looked up to all through high school.

I had my final day at work today.  Certain things I’m not going to miss, but I’m gonna miss a lot of my coworkers.  They’re amazing.

I guess I didn’t have anything to write about really.

I found 75 CDs in my room today, does that count?

And I played the Sims 3.

Productive day.

I’m a very detail oriented person.  I need to know exactly what time people want to meet somewhere or will be at my house.  

I also spaz out when someone doesn’t text me back right away, especially when I’m already upset.  Sure, they’re probably doing something, but how do I know they’re not just ignoring me?

I’m down today.  I don’t know why.  Maybe tomorrow will be better, I don’t know.

I guess this entry sucks.  But I felt like I should write something.

The meds help most days.  Other days, like today, I don’t know if they’re even there.  I’ve been fighting with my parents a lot lately.  My therapist thinks it’s because I’m leaving for college.  But she also thinks that I’m ready to leave, and that I’m not the one starting the fights, which is irregular.  She thinks my parents aren’t ready for me to leave, so they’re picking at every little thing I do.

Doesn’t mean I like it any more.

I hate having bipolar disorder.  It’s so hard to cope with stress sometimes.  And when I have writer’s block, I can’t write poems or stories like I usually do.  So that’s what this blog is for.  I’m more likely to keep up with a blog than a journal because it doesn’t involve handwriting things.

I’m holed up in my room right now.  My parents took away my driving privileges.  They said they might take away my internet access.  So if I disappear for a while, it happened.

I leave in 15 days.  I don’t want to leave all my friends behind, but I’m ready to leave my house.  Maybe next summer will be easier.

I doubt it.

My friend Amy had a going away bonfire tonight.  And it’s weird: it hasn’t hit me yet.  That we’re all going our separate ways, that a week from now, a lot of my friends will be gone.  And in a month, most of them will be.  There’s a few coming to Oshkosh with me, but the rest…it’s going to be hard to leave.  Not my family; I love them, but I need to be on my own.  But all my friends…they’ve been my support system.  And two of my best friends are seniors this year, and I’m going to miss messing around at lunch with them.  But yet…it hasn’t hit me.  I should feel sad that I’m leaving…but I’m just numb.  Maybe it’s the medication.  I don’t know.  I just don’t feel the way I think I should about all of this.

I finally got my lip pierced.  I’ve wanted it pierced since I was about 13, but I knew my rents would never go for it.  So yesterday, I texted my friend Hannah that I wanted to do it, and she offered to drive and everything.

So now my lip is pierced.  And a bit swollen on the inside, but I don’t care…because it looks freaking SWEEEEEEET.

I also got to see Camera Can’t Lie, Runner Runner, The White Tie Affair, and Secondhand Serenade last night…pretty epic.  Plus, I got to see it with my boyfriend, so that rocked.  Other than that, I don’t know.  I’m feeling pretty good right now, though.

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